The British Royal Family: Can Anybody See The Point?

I WAS lying awake in bed the other night.
I had something on my mind.
It wasn’t really something that concerns me an awful lot. It wasn’t something that impacts on my life one way or the other.
It was just a question that popped into my head.
And it was this.
What is the point of the Queen?
Seriously, what purpose does she serve? What use is Prince Charles? Why do people bow in front of Princess Anne? What do they all actually do, apart from wave at people?
And why do they dress up in daft outfits?
Why is Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg the Queen of England in the first place (The family name was changed to Windsor in 1917 because Saxe-Coburg didn’t seem to be an appropriate name for a family ruling a country which was at war with Germany.)

What is the point of any royal family come to that?
Liz Saxe-Coburg-Windsor is not only queen of England, people in Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Antigua and Barbuda, Belize, and Saint Kitts and Nevis, are also expected to revere her as their monarch.
God knows how many castles and estates she has.
Balmoral, where the British royal family goes occasionally to shoot small and large animals, is an astonishing 250 square kilometres of private estate.
Of course, she can afford it. Some say she’s worth £10 billion. Others put it as low as £500 million.
Which begs the question as to why the British taxpayer stumps up more than £30 million a year in Civil List payments and other handouts.
She’s a big tourist attraction, people say.
So is the guy in the Mickey Mouse outfit at Disneyworld. And I think you’ll find that he doesn’t get £30 million a year, doesn’t own a 250 square kilometre estates, doesn’t get involved in seedy scandals and doesn’t expect people to bow when he enters a room.
It’s a desperate pity that people don’t research the history of their royal families.
With the possible exception of Monaco, they would find such histories dripping in the blood of ordinary people.
Royal families killed their peasants for pleasure over the centuries. (Nowadays, they limit their killing for pleasure to small animals like foxes and pheasant and large animals like deer.)
Royal families were, universally, cruel.
Generally speaking, royal families weren’t given their thrones by a grateful populace, they simply took them. Stole them. Killed people to get them.
What use are royal families today?
Well, you couldn’t for a minute suggest the British version sets anything like a good example. Affairs, divorces, drunken escapades, inappropriate comments (largely from the big Greek chap who is also paid vast sums to be a Big Greek chap) and all around bad behaviour.
Male British royals seem never to have been able to keep it in their trousers. Edward VII wasn’t the first to have a bevy of hookers - they probably called them something posh like ‘concubines’ back then - at his beck and call.
The females all seem just a little on the weird side of normal. What mother - other than Liz Saxe-Coburg-Windsor - would greet her children with a handshake, not having seen them for months, having been away looking at her peasants in other countries?
This is, of course, why Diana never fit it. She was so normal, she not only unsettled the Saxe-Coburg-Windsors and their Greek pal, her presence made it patently obvious that they were all, largely, off their collective trolleys.
All this was going through my mind as I lay there staring at the ceiling.
Their spongers, I thought to myself.
They’re al barmy, I said to myself.
They’re a complete waste of space, I told myself.
They are clowns. Expensive clowns.
Think what else could be done with the money they get? Think how many homeless people could be housed in Windsor Castle (from where they stole their name) or Clarence House or any of their other vast mansions.
So why doesn’t Britain just turf them out, give them one estate and a couple of mill, turn Buck House into Disneyland Britain and hire a guy to dress up in a Mickey Mouse outfit to entertain the tourists?
Why doesn’t Britain become fully democratic?
Sadly, I think I know the answer to that.
Democracy gives you the likes of Blair and Bush and Sarkozy and, in our case, Bertie Ahern who has a rare form of Alzheimer's which only makes him forget anything to do with large sums of money.
Still, it’s better than having Phil the Greek gobbling up all your tax bucks.

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It's A Conspiracy!!

They call them 'conspiracy theories.' It's a pejorative term. It's a put-down.
But just because things are called 'conspiracy theories' doesn't mean there aren't conspiracies behind them.
So where are the conspiracies then?
1. JOHN F KENNEDY. Very, very few people believe that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in killing John F Kennedy on November 22, 1963. Indeed many believe he had nothing to do with it at all and was the ultimate patsy. The Warren Commission which investigated the assassination failed to interview those who opposed the view that the fatal shots had all come from the book depository building. That farcical investigation is the subject of a wonderful book called “Rush to Judgement” by Mark Lane. Read it and you will realise that, yes, this one is a conspiracy. CONSPIRACY RATING. 10/10
2. .MARILYN MONROE. Marilyn’s death on August 4, 1962 is, of course, linked to the Kennedy’s. The death was ruled suicide though the actress had been upbeat and optimistic at the time, according to friends. Neighbours and, indeed, a policeman on surveillance outside her home, all say they saw Bobby Kennedy and the Kennedy brother-in-law, actor Peter Lawford at her home the night she died. She conducted affairs with Robert and John F Kennedy. Some in the FBI believed her to be communist. CONSPIRACY RATING: 8/10

3. POPE JOHN PAUL I. Born Albino Luciani, Pope John Paul I, reigned for just 33 days before his death on September 28 1978. The cause of death was given as a heart attack, though there will always be uncertainty because of the tradition of not carrying out autopsies on Popes. This, of course, led the a rash of conspiracy and cover-up theories, not least because Pope John Paul I was perceived to be a liberal. CONSPIRACY RATING: 1/10
4. ROSWELL. On July 8, 1947, the Roswell Army Air Field (RAAF) issued a press release stating that personnel from the field's 509th Bomb Group had recovered a crashed "flying disc" from a ranch near Roswell. The Army later said that what had been found was, in fact, a weather balloon. Witnesses claimed, however, that the military had been acting suspiciously, that debris had been switched, that the body of an alien had been found and so on. There is every likelihood that there was a cover-up at Roswell. But not of the finding of an alien craft. CONSPIRACY RATING: 2/10
5. JOHN STALKER: As Deputy Chief Constable of Manchester, John Stalker was asked, on May 24, 1984, to investigate a shoot-to-kill policy being operated by the RUC against the Provisional IRA in Northern Ireland. On June 5, 1986, just as he was about to submit his final report, he was suspended from duty over false allegations that he associated with criminals. The main allegation was that Kevin Taylor, a friend of Stalker’s was a professional criminal. He wasn’t. The shoot-to-kill investigation was taken over by Colin Sampson and his findings never made public. CONSPIRACY RATING: 9/10
6. THE MOON LANDING: The world watched, on June 20, 1969, as Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon. Is that what they really saw? Websites will spell out all the ‘errors’ in the moon footage. Shadows going the wrong way, dodgy reflections in the astronauts visors and so on. Others will claim that, if man could travel to the moon almost 40 years ago, the place should be colonised by now, or at least, revisited on a regular basis. However, it is now claimed that anyone on earth with a powerful telescope, can see three retroreflector arrays, left on the moon by US missions. It is, however, much more fun to believe that it’s all a hoax. CONSPIRACY RATING: 5/10
7. PRINCESS DIANA: Muhammad al Fayed, for one, is 100 per cent convinced that his son Dodi, Diana and the driver Henri Paul, were murdered. And there is no doubt whatever, that Diana had become a thorn in the side of the British establishment. Furthermore, the idea of someone who was once royal traipsing around with a Muslim. Well. That was just too much. There is of course the mysterious white car which has never been found. The allegation that Henri Paul wasn’t drunk at all. There were suspicious ambulances and the like. But you’d have to say, it’s hard to imagine the British being quite so efficient in bumping Diana off. Good theories though. CONSPIRACY RATING: 5/10
8. THE TARA MOTORWAY: The Irish government blathers on about climate change and global warming and what it’s doing to reduce carbon emissions. And yet when presented with the opportunity to build an efficient railway (mostly using the old, abandoned line) from Dublin to the town of Navan in County Meath, it decided to build a motorway. The route chosen is destroying 5,000 years of history, yet, the government remains implacable. They talk about building the railway, but the route of the motorway, crosses the line of any proposed railway twice, making it vastly more expensive to ever go for the rail option. And still, no explanation as to why they flew in the face of logic. CONSPIRACY RATING: 10/10
9. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION: Strange, isn’t it, how the leaders of two of the world’s most powerful country, simultaneously, found evidence of something that never existed? Yet, that’s what happened as George W Bush and Tony Blaire lied over and over and over again about Saddam’s alleged Weapons of Mass Destruction. So what were the motives for war? Oil, for one. And ask Dick Cheney about the others. CONSPIRACY RATING: 10/10
10. PAUL IS DEAD. It all began on October 12 1969 with a call to a US radio station claiming Paul McCartney was dead. The theory was, that on November 9, 1966, Paul stormed out of a recording session after a row with the other Beatles, and drove off, subsequently crashing his car. He was replaced, the story goes, with a lookalike and soundalike. Proof of the death? Paul’s bare feet on the cover of Abbey Road. Paul facing backwards in the photo on the Sgt Pepper album (it was actually Mal Evans. Paul wasn’t available for the shoot.) A hand over Paul’s head on the front cover of Pepper. Personally, the only real question is this. Would the real Paul have married Heather Mills? CONSPIRACY RATING: 1/10
Briefly, here are the ratings for another few.
ELVIS: Good fun and worth listening to all the nonsense 5/10
TWA FLIGHT 800; It crashed on July 17, 1996, off Long Island killing 230 people. Official verdict: Accident. But questions remain as there is some evidence it was struck by a missile. CONSPIRACY THEORY: 7/10
DUBLIN AND MONAGHAN BOMBINGS: Ii was May 17 1974 when Dublin and Monaghan were struck by no-warning bombs. Thirty-three people died. Nobody has ever been prosecuted. Conspiracy? Maybe. Ineptitude? More likely. Still, if there had been collusion and someone didn’t want it to come out... CONSPIRACY RATING: &/10
THE TUSKAR ROCK CRASH: Aer Lingus flight 712 from Cork to London went down on March 24, 1968 killing 61. Some suggested the plane had been hit by an RAF drone, or something similar. But it seems unlikely. CONSPIRACY RATING: 2/10
THE LUSITANIA: The ship was sunk off Cork on May 7, 1915, by a German U boat. Almost 1,200 died. One torpedo struck the ship and it is believed the second, larger, explosion heard, was munitions, which were being transported illegally, blowing up. CONSPIRACY RATING: 9/10
FLIGHT 93, 9/11: Did it crash? Or was it shot down? Well, who do George Bush and his cronies think more important? Themselves, or ordinary Joes? CONSPIRACY RATING: 8/10
THE DA VINCI CODE: God, the movie was awful. The book is based almost entirely on the premise, that if something isn’t A or B, well then it definitely must be C. Or G. Or K. Or Z. CONSPIRACY THEORY: 0/10
BRITAIN’S BRIBERY OF SAUDI ARABIAN OFFICIALS TO WIN ARMS CONTRACTS: Well. They admitted it. And they said it wouldn’t be in the ‘national interest’ to pursue those involved. So...CONSPIRACY THEORY: 0/10 or 10/10, whatever.
SHOWBIZ: How many scandals, rapes, drug overdoses, bouts of the clap, sexual preferences, sexual encounters, deaths accidental or otherwise have been covered up over the years? CONSPIRACY RATING: 10/10
IRISH POLITICS: Perhaps, after North Korea, Zimbabwe and Turkmenistan, Ireland is the most corrupt country on the planet. They’ve been getting away with it since the foundation of the state. And they’re still at it. CONSPIRACY RATING: 15/10

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